


Holding On

by CatherineS



Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1996-06-30
Updated: 1996-06-30
Packaged: 2017-11-08 20:42:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/447348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatherineS/pseuds/CatherineS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zuko rapes Ray. Benny picks up the pieces.</p>
<p>Previously published in the fanzine, When I'm Calling You, Issue 4</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding On

"Elaine, did you take this call?" Detective Vecchio waved a slip of paper in front of her face and she glanced up at it, as usual, mildly irritated by his attitude.  
"Yes." She paused and simply stared at him. He looked excited, unusual for him in Fraser's absence. The changes the attractive Mountie had caused in him made Vecchio almost likeable. He was even wearing neutral colours these days, although the boxy designer suits were still the same. He was more relaxed since Fraser's arrival too, but he was all tension now, his old demanding self.  
"When did the call come in?"  
"About an hour ago."   
"Good. I should still be able to catch him. Thanks, Elaine." He raced away, leaving the message slip crumpled on her desk. Sighing, she brushed it into the garbage can. Somehow, "Thanks, Elaine," just wasn't the same as, "Thank you kindly, Elaine."

**********

Eagerly, Ray slipped behind the wheel of his beloved Riviera. The message had been short and to the point. 'I have information about a drugs shipment that's going down soon. I'm at the old warehouse, the one they built over the park. I'll be around for a couple of hours. Bruno.'  
"About time you gave me a hot tip." Ray muttered, pulling out of the parking lot. Bruno and he had been real close once, growing up on the same street, same class at school. But Bruno had wanted it all right away. He ran with a bad crowd, eventually got busted for possession. Ray had helped him get a lighter sentence in return for information and their old friendship had revived somewhat. If this tip panned out, he'd owe Bruno a few drinks.  
He glanced at his watch as he waited for a green light, frowning. Hopefully this wouldn't take too long and he'd still be on time to meet Benny. No point in being early anyway, he thought with a grin. But with the family away in Florida for two weeks, he actually felt lonely in the house and Fraser had seemed happy to come over for pizza and pool. He liked being with Benny, felt comfortable, right. It was funny, but lately he'd rather spend time with Benny than trying to find a girl. He'd even stopped trying to pick them up at the supermarket.

Ray slowed down as he turned onto the street where the warehouse was. He parked and sat there for a moment. The memories this place stirred were bittersweet. Home wasn't that far away and as a kid he'd played in the park that had been paved over to make way for the warehouse. It was abandoned now too. He and Bruno, Frankie, Joe, Sammy, even Zuko, they had all played here. Ray shifted, closing his eyes against those memories. He had never forgotten, never forgiven Zuko or himself. His humiliation of Zuko a few months ago had helped but not enough, never enough, to forget.  
Shaking his head, he got out of the car and headed toward the building. The wind was cold, as usual, and he was glad to get inside. The warehouse was dark, pretty empty, not surprising since it was abandoned. Anything valuable or useful would have been scavenged long ago.  
"Ray." A figure was standing in the light shining from a broken window.  
"Bruno." He smiled and stepped forward. Bruno came to meet him halfway, pulling him into a hard bearhug. Ray was a bit surprised at the display of affection but he returned it. When Bruno released him, Ray looked into his old friend's eyes. Guilt and sadness lurked there. Ray felt a quiver of apprehension.  
"What's wrong?" Bruno's eyes closed.  
"I'm sorry, Ray."  
"For what?" Bruno was backing up and Ray moved to follow when hands clamped down on his arms, one slipping inside his coat, emerging with his gun. He struggled briefly but the goons were far stronger and there were two of them. His shocked and angry gaze returned to his one time friend.  
"Why?"  
"For a very good reason, Ray. He likes the way he looks."  
Bruno flinched and Ray turned his head, watching as Zuko approached. Tension coiled through him. Their last encounter had been anything but pleasant. His appearance here now was anything but comforting. Ray's eyes flicked between Bruno and Zuko.  
"Still letting him rule, Bruno? We're not scared kids anymore." A red stain coloured Bruno's cheeks.  
"I'm sorry."  
"Yeah, right." Zuko briefly touched Bruno's arm and the other man took off without a backward glance. Figures, Ray thought sourly, cut your losses and run. He banished Bruno's betrayal from his mind, focusing on the real threat.  
"Felt like chatting about old times?" He shifted his weight as Zuko came closer.  
"Something like that." Zuko stopped inches away, eyes blazing as his gaze travelled along Ray's body. Ray could feel the hair on the back of his neck rise. "You never did like the rough stuff much. Wanted to be one of the good guys. There's a price to pay for that." A hand came up and grabbed Ray's chin, forcing his head back painfully.  
"You made a mistake, Ray. It isn't different now. I'm still the one with the power." Ray jerked his chin free.  
"You were never special. We were just stupid enough to think you were. Not anymore." Zuko's skin was flushing with rage but Ray was angry too, his own guilt and bitterness still with him.  
"You were right. I didn't bring you here to chat over old times." He grinned and Ray tensed. "Boys."

Ray felt himself being jerked off balance. Zuko's fist slammed into his stomach. He tried to double over, to protect himself but the goons beside him had a solid grip and they held him up, open and vulnerable. Winded, he gasped for breath as Zuko smiled at him, landing another blow.  
"Still think I don't rule here?" His stomach ached but Ray knew he'd hurt a lot worse before this was over. Zuko wouldn't have brought him here unless he intended to fully repay him. Nothing he could say would change Zuko's mind. Attack was the only way.  
"I think you're a big man with your boys here to protect you. Remember what happened without them?" Dark rage filled the other man's face. Suddenly, he struck out, the blow smashing into the side of Ray's face. Along with the throbbing pain, Ray could feel wetness. Zuko's ring had cut into his cheek.  
"Actually, I just want to give them a chance to enjoy themselves. Boys?" Zuko stepped back, leaning against one of the large concrete support beams.  
Arms released with a shove, Ray fell to his knees, quickly scrambling back to his feet and dropping his coat. The last thing he needed was to get caught up in its folds. Warily, he watched the bigger one approach.  
"Come on, guys. You don't really wanna do this."   
"Yes, they do." Zuko reassured him. Before he could produce a comeback, he was grabbed. He pulled away only to be struck in the lower back. He staggered and felt a sharp flash of pain in the back of his knee, knocking his leg out from under him. He went down, pain bursting through his body as the smaller one started to kick at his ribs, his back. Rolling away, he struggled to his feet, eyes bright with pain, sweat beginning to bead on his face, dripping down his back and chest, a mixture of pain and exertion. Zuko's gaze was boring into him but he ignored it, concentrating on his opponents. They were too big, too strong for him to get away but making it easy for them wasn't on his agenda.  
"Stop foolin' around." Zuko sounded impatient and Ray set himself for another attack. The big one started in again and Ray kicked out. But before his foot made contact, the other one had crashed into him again and they both went down, Ray on the bottom. Fists rained down on his face, chest, stomach. A hand pressed down on his wounded cheek and he couldn't stop his scream of pain. More blows to the ribs darkened his vision, the pain unbearable. Curling into himself, he barely felt the blow to the head that sent him into merciful unconsciousness.

**********

He sighed. Ray should have been there hours ago. Fraser put down his book and got up from the bed to look out the window. No Riviera in the street, no Ray. A case could have delayed him, Fraser knew that, but typically when that happened, Ray left a message at the embassy before Fraser's shift ended. There hadn't been a message and he had assumed Ray would drop by the apartment and they'd pick up a pizza on the way to Ray's.

Fraser smiled, staring out the window. Ray had been excited by his family's departure for a two week vacation in Florida. Ray loved his family but Fraser also knew that Ray felt smothered at home sometimes. Treated as if he were a kid that never grew up but with the responsibilities of a man. His family's vacation was giving him some much needed space and Fraser had found himself inordinately pleased that Ray would invite him to share it. Ray was such a reassuring constant in his life. Irritable, fun-loving, loyal, he couldn't imagine what his life would be like without him.  
A shiver ran down his spine and Diefenbaker padded over with a whine. Absently, he stroked the soft fur. Five hours late was too long.  
Grabbing his leather jacket, he headed out the door. Maybe Ray was down at the station. And if he wasn't, they should at least know where he was.

 

**********

The first thing Ray was aware of was the aching of his ribs. Then came the pounding in his skull. Moaning softly, he tried to bring a hand to his head. Nothing happened and Ray gradually became aware of his condition. His arms were tied behind him, felt like leather straps. He was laying on his side and he was naked. He was also quite cold. Slowly, he opened his eyes.   
"Welcome back."  
"Thank you." His face hurt when he spoke. Blood had dried on it, making the skin feel stiff and itchy. Zuko was coming closer and Ray struggled to his knees, a coil of fear unravelling in his stomach. What was Zuko up to? And why was he naked? The man bent over, one finger touching Ray's lips. Angrily, he jerked away as Zuko laughed.  
"Humiliating me was a mistake, Ray. But you're going to finish paying for it now...by submitting to me." Ray's eyes widened.  
"When hell freezes over!"  
"Did you notice how cold it is outside?" A hand gripped the back of Ray's head, pulling it back and forcing it up. Ruthless, violent lips bruised his. He tried to struggle, mind unable to accept this, unable to believe it could happen. Teeth bit down, drawing blood from his lips with a sharp, stinging pain. Fingers closed on a nipple, rolling gently before tightening until Ray gasped in torment. And then an invading tongue was inside him, thrusting, choking, stealing his breath until his vision swam. He fought weakly until a hand began to press against his ribs.  
He cried out at the fresh agony, the sound ripped from him.  
"Too much for you?" Zuko taunted, pulling back to remove his own shirt, discarding his pants. He was fully erect. Ray felt an instinctive fear, knowing what Zuko intended.  
"Man enough for you?" Zuko was stroking himself and Ray stared, like a mouse mesmerized by a snake. There was nothing he could do. He tried to stand but a shove from the other man sent him sprawling and a fresh flood of agony seared through his nerves. His ribs must be broken.  
"You always were too soft." He patted Ray's crotch. "Maybe you'll like this, hmm? Consider it a gift." Zuko's laughter filled his ears.

"Don't." His voice shook and Ray tried once more to stand but Zuko manhandled him onto his stomach, his struggles rewarded with another punch to his aching ribs.  
"Lay still." He rubbed a hand over Ray's ass. "You probably let your Mountie friend do this all the time."  
Ray closed his eyes. Even if Benny wanted him, it would never have been like this. Benny wouldn't be rough, he's so gentle...Ray pushed that thought from his mind. Benny would never know, never know what Zuko was going to do to him. There was no way Zuko would let him live, no evidence he would leave for Benny to find.   
A hand smacked hard against his ass, making him flinch, his breath catching as Zuko's weight suddenly pressed down, the pain in his ribs increasing. Thoughts of Benny vanished. Sweat burst from his pores, he felt it on his face. Two hands on his ass now, spreading him, something cool and wet touching him. His muscles clenched tight.  
"This isn't for you. I just don't want to chafe myself in your tight little ass." Ray flushed, humiliated. He was bound, helpless and injured, about to be fucked.  
Thick fingers pressed and his eyes squeezed tight in pain.  
"Nice and tight. I'm gonna enjoy you." The fingers pulled out roughly and something larger, harder, began to force its way inside him. Tears of pain leaked from under his eyelids. He cried out as Zuko's arm slipped under him, jerking him up onto his knees.  
"Like that?" The taunting voice whispered into his ear. He tried to twist his hips away but Zuko thrust hard and Ray screamed, agony wracking his ass and ribs as Zuko slammed in. Again and again the burning pain of his cock forced its way back and forth in the tight tunnel, taking its pleasure from Ray's pain. Ray was trembling, face pressed into the cool of the floor, biting his lower lip, concentrating on not crying out again.   
Suddenly his arms were yanked back, arching his back, forcing his head up. Agony shot along his arms, his shoulders screaming at the stress, forcing another unwilling cry past his lips. The pistoning in and out of his ass increased in force and speed. A pause and a choked off cry heralded Zuko's climax. Ray felt the pulses, hot liquid scalding him inside. He felt like throwing up. Zuko's weight settled on him, forcing the air from his lungs, crushing his ribs yet again. He swam in blackness, struggling, surprisingly still unwilling to surrender. After a few minutes, Zuko withdrew, a pained whimper escaping Ray's bloodied lips.  
"That good?" Zuko slapped his ass. Shame and rage mixed with the pain, making Ray dizzy and nauseous. Through slitted eyes, he saw Zuko sitting up, wiping blood away from his groin. Ray's ass ached and he felt a slow trickle of moisture. His hands twisted in his bonds.  
"Too bad I can't keep you." Ray felt a shiver of fear he had thought lost to the agony of his body, the pain of his heart. He was weak, he always had been. He hoped Fraser would never realize how much. Zuko pushed him over onto his back, his body protesting at the added torment to ribs and arms. Zuko leaned over, fingers closing round Ray's throat.

"I told you it was a mistake." Fingers tightened and blackness rose before his eyes. Ray's last thought was that he'd never got the chance to tell Fraser goodbye.

**********

"Hello, Elaine." Elaine looked up in pleased surprise. Fraser was standing beside her, Diefenbaker laying down at his feet. He was wearing blue jeans and a brown leather jacket, red flannel shirt underneath. He looked wonderful.  
"Hi, Fraser."  
"Elaine, have you seen Ray in the last couple of hours?"  
"No, he's been off-duty since 5 pm. I thought you two had a pool night planned?" Elaine smiled at him and Fraser nodded.  
"We did. When did you see him last?"  
"Well, he got a message this afternoon and left. Around 2 pm., I guess." Fraser frowned.  
"Do you have any idea where he was going or what the message was?" Elaine thought for a moment, then reached for the trash can.  
"He left the paper. It's in here somewhere." Elaine began digging, finally pulling a crumpled pink message note out. Fraser gently removed it from her fingers.  
"Drugs?"   
"Ray seemed excited. He's gotten tips from Bruno before. They grew up together." Elaine watched Fraser's face. Concern and confusion flickered across his features.   
"He never called in?"  
"No, you think he's in trouble?" It was obvious that he did and for a brief moment, Elaine was jealous of how much Fraser cared about Ray. He was really worried.  
"Yes, I do. Do you have any idea which warehouse he was heading for?"  
"No, Ray didn't say anything about that. He just rushed off." Fraser's eyes closed and she wished she could help.  
"It must be in his old neighbourhood. Elaine, may I ask a favour?"  
"Go ahead."  
"May I borrow your car?"  
"Sure. Here." She gave him the keys. "If he's in trouble, call it in, Fraser. And be careful." Her concern was rewarded with a brief smile as Fraser's fingers brushed hers.  
"I will. Thank you, Elaine."  
"Good luck."

**********

Fraser stopped the car. Ray's Riviera was parked next to an old abandoned warehouse. It was cold and quiet, street lights barely brightening the darkness. Rain was falling too as Fraser got out of the car. Diefenbaker padded along silently at his side. 

Cautiously, he approached the nearest entrance. Ray would never have willing abandoned his beloved car. He listened at the door, the overhang sheltering him from the cold rain. Nothing. He tried the lock and the door opened. Slipping inside, Diefenbaker trailed behind him before heading off to the right, sniffing. Fraser walked across the floor. It was nearly empty, a few old crates and shelving units littered the floor, not many places for someone to hide. Ray was certainly not there but he searched around them all until a bark from Diefenbaker drew his attention.  
"What is it?" He knelt beside his wolf, one hand on the soft fur.  
There was blood on the floor. Ray's? Diefenbaker whined and scratched at a nearby crate. With a sinking feeling of dread, Fraser stood. Taking a deep breath, he lifted the lid. Nothing. Relief poured through him until he noticed that Diefenbaker was still working away at the crate. Kneeling beside him, he peered under the crate. There was something there.  
Laying flat, he slipped his arm under the support skid, reaching. There, he had it! He sat up, Ray's wallet in hand. Had it fallen and been kicked there during a struggle? He opened it and checked for money and credit cards. Certainly not a robbery. There was over a hundred dollars there. A picture was wedged in with the bills and Fraser pulled it out. It was of the two of them. Christmas at the Vecchios', he was fingering the sweater Ray's bought him, a smile on his face. The ache in his chest intensified. His smile was nothing compared to the indulgent affection on Ray's face. He clenched his jaw against the pain of loss. If Ray was dead...no, he couldn't be. He couldn't let himself believe it. Ray was out there, needing his help, and he'd find him. His fingers traced over the snapshot before he slid it back into the wallet. Diefenbaker was sitting quietly, watching him calmly.  
"Deif." The wolf's attention focused on him and he held out the wallet. Diefenbaker sniffed.   
"Find him. Find Ray." The wolf sniffed at the wallet again, sniffed round the crate and then headed back the way they had come in. A tiny spark of hope blossomed in Fraser's stomach, a slight lessening of the tension. He opened the door and Diefenbaker kept on going, sniffing and running, heading off into the streets. Fraser followed hurriedly, eyes darting around. They had gone several blocks when Diefenbaker paused and broke into a run. Fraser chased after him, pulling up short as he rounded a corner. Dead end alley but Diefenbaker was down at the far end, in the shadows beside a fence. His head was down, nosing at something. Ray?  
"Ray?" He gasped out. Breaking into a run, he reached Diefenbaker and fell to his knees. "Ray!"  
He pressed cold, wet fingers to the bruised throat. Yes, there was a pulse! "Ray?" No response. It was hard to see in the dark but he could tell Ray was badly hurt. He was also naked. Fraser yanked off his jacket and tried to cover him with it, to keep off the chilly rain.  
"Dief." The wolf huddled closer, laying against the injured man. Fraser raced to the nearest phone booth and called for an ambulance. Rushing back, Diefenbaker was still pressed against Ray, warming him. Fraser sat beside them.

"Oh Ray." His friend's skin was a pale, pasty colour, so cold to the touch. Dried blood crusted over the cheek Fraser's fingers lightly touched. He quickly looked over the rest of him. Severe bruising over the ribs. He wanted to hold him, to warm him, but he didn't dare. A broken rib might puncture a lung. There were a few streaks of blood on his legs and stomach and his wrists were rubbed raw. Unable to do anything else, Fraser held his hands, rubbing, warming them. There was a faint whimper and, heart racing, he leaned over, head close to Ray's.  
"Hurts." The words were so faint, Fraser barely heard them.  
"Shush, you'll be fine soon, Ray. The ambulance is on its way."  
"Benny?"   
"Yes, Ray." Cloudy hazel eyes opened, hazy with pain, staring up but not really seeing him. The pale features seemed to darken slightly.  
"I'm sorry."  
"It's not your fault, Ray." Fraser began but Ray slipped away again. Why sorry? It was his fault for not being there for Ray when he needed help. He rested one hand on the long throat. His pulse was weaker but still regular. Fraser's other hand brushed over the high forehead, coming to rest in the short hair.  
"Hold on, Ray. You'll be fine."  
Minutes seemed like hours but he soon heard the ambulance approach. They hooked Ray up to an IV and loaded him in, taking them both to hospital.

**********

"Constable Fraser?" Fraser jerked awake at the soft touch that accompanied the voice. He'd been sitting there since they brought Ray in, Diefenbaker laying watchful under his chair. A quick glance at his watch showed 4:15 in the morning. He looked up at the nurse and noticed the doctor approaching.   
"Yes, thank you." He stood up, trying to straighten his hopelessly rumpled clothes.   
"How is he?" Shocked by the tremor in his own voice, he waited for the doctor's reply.  
"You're his partner?" Fraser nodded. "That should be all right then. Tell his captain or have him call me for a report but I'll tell you what I can now." He paused. "He will recover completely." Fraser felt a smile crack the stillness of his fear but the doctor raised a hand. "That's not the end of it. It'll take a couple of weeks. He's badly bruised up, lost a lot of blood, couple of stitches in his cheek, cracked ribs." The doctor paused again and looked up sympathetically. "He was also raped."  
Fraser froze, for a moment it was as if he heard nothing, saw nothing. Ray had been raped?  
"Constable, I'm sorry but you need to know. I can guarantee his physical recovery, even from the sexual assault. He did need a few stitches for that too. But I can't tell you anything about his mental state and that could be critical to his overall recovery. Constable?"

"Yes, I understand. May I see him?" I have to see him, Fraser thought.  
"He's still unconscious."  
"I won't stay long." The doctor stared back steadily but eventually relented.  
"All right. Ten minutes but I want you to go home and get some sleep as soon as your time is up. You don't look very good yourself."  
"Thank you." Fraser shook his hand and followed the nurse down and around the corridor, E111. She smiled and slipped away before he could thank her. He pushed on the door and, unnoticed for once, Diefenbaker slipped in ahead of him.  
The monitors beeped softly in the background. Ray lay so still. Fraser hadn't seen him like this since the search for his father's killer and then Ray had been only a friend. Somewhere along the way, he had become much more.  
Standing beside the bed, his fingers brushed Ray's, skin surprisingly soft. His fingers closed, holding Ray's hand. He was so pale, eyelashes dark against skin that was just staring to regain some colour. The white bandage over his cheek and the bruised and puffy lower lip marred his features but not so much as the bruising that ringed his neck. Bulky bandages were just visible, protecting the damaged ribs. And his other injuries... This time Fraser felt the tears and couldn't stop them. He sat on the chair beside Ray and covered his eyes with his free hand.  
"Why are you crying, son?" Fraser's head jerked up.  
"Dad?" Then the question struck him. "Why? My best friend was raped and beaten and you ask me why I'm upset?"  
"I've never seen you cry. Not even when your mother died." Fraser remained silent, staring down at Ray's unconscious form.  
"Talk to me, son. I want to help."  
"You won't understand, dad."  
"Try me."  
"I'm angry at what happened to him, worried about how he'll handle it." How I'll handle it, Fraser thought.  
"You care about him a great deal."  
"Yes."  
"I do understand that, son." Fraser Sr.'s knowing gaze bored into his own and Fraser flushed. "If something like that had happened to your mother..."  
"It's not the same!"  
"Isn't it, son? Isn't that part of the problem?" Fraser released Ray's hand to clasp both of his own in his lap. How much did his father know?  
"I want to help him and I don't know how or even whether he'll let me."  
"He'll let you, only you, eventually. Your caring could never hurt him." Fraser's eyes opened wide.  
"How do you know that?"  
"If you haven't seen it, son, your observational skills are slipping." He walked over to the bed and rested an insubstantial hand on Fraser's shoulder. "Definitely slipping. Go home, son."   
Fraser stared at Ray, wondering what his dad saw but when he turned round, he was gone. Sighing, he brushed a finger down Ray's cheek.

"I've used up my time, Ray. I'll be back this afternoon."   
He thought again about his father's words, that his caring couldn't hurt his friend. Did his father realize how deep it ran? The look in his eyes suggested so. Softly, Fraser pressed his lips to Ray's forehead.  
"I need you, Ray." Pulling back, he gently closed the door behind him.

**********

Feeling terribly thirsty, his head and the rest of his body a mass of aches, Ray groaned, one hand going to his head. Where was he? He felt the bandage on his cheek and the memories came rushing back. Zuko. But he was still alive, part of him rejoiced though another part cringed.   
Cautiously, he opened his eyes. Standard hospital room, IV in his arm, monitor beeping away. His ribs were taped and they itched. He didn't want to think about his other pains. His gaze drifted toward the chair beside him. His heart started to race. Benny was slumped in the chair, the darkness of the room suggesting it was pretty late. What day was it?  
Benny looked exhausted, stubble starting to darken his jaw. He hadn't thought he'd ever see him again. The sight of his friend was comforting, soothing. Ray looked around for a glass of water. It was on the side table and he struggled up to reach it. Stretching uncomfortably, he snagged the glass. It clinked against the table.  
"Ray?" Fraser was awake and half-way out of the chair.  
"Back in the land of the living." Ray joked weakly, unnerved by the intensity of Benny's gaze. "See what I do to get out of buying the pizza." Benny smiled and rested a hand on his arm, giving it a squeeze that made Ray shiver.  
"Welcome back. How are you feeling?" The concern shone from Benny's eyes and suddenly Ray realized. Benny knew, somehow he knew what Zuko had done. His face drained of colour and he turned his face away, not wanting Fraser to see the dull flush of humiliation he knew was rising on his cheeks. Benny knew how weak he was.   
"Ray, don't. I know you've been hurt. Deif found you in an alley not far from the warehouse." The hand that had squeezed his arm was on his shoulder now and Ray could feel himself start to tremble. Not now, please go away!  
"Talk to me, Ray. Let me help." Too much, far too much. His head snapped round and he started to shout.  
"Talk to you, Benny? What do ya wanna hear? How I fell for it? How he set his goons on me? How he..." Ray choked on his shame and rage. "How he raped me." The last came out as a whisper, hated tears filling his eyes. He turned away again, trying to hide his weakness. He sensed Benny close beside him but he still flinched as fingers brushed his cheek.  
"I don't want to hurt you. I care about you, Ray. You're my friend. Help me understand, to help you." He sat on the bed, pulling an unresisting Ray into his arms.

"Understand? I'm glad you can't. Don't want you to ever hurt this much." Ray's words came out soft and muffled, his face buried in Benny's shoulder. For a moment, he felt safe and protected. Except that he wasn't worthy of it.  
"I'm sorry, Benny." He whispered, one hand tangling in his friend's shirt. His tears had dried up but he stayed within the circle of Fraser's arms.  
"It's not your fault, Ray." He didn't believe it but he stayed silent, enjoying the warmth of the body beside him, not wanting to argue, not wanting anything.  
"Who did this to you?" Ray stiffened and pulled away, all expression wiped from his face.  
"Zuko and his goons."  
"He hates you this much?" Ray shrugged, wincing as the motion pulled at his ribs.  
"I humiliated him. This is his way of returning the favour." His voice sounded empty to his own ears and the arms around him tightened.  
"The doctors will let you go home soon, now that you've regained consciousness. Let me stay with you, help you. Your family won't be back for another ten days." Ray shivered at that thought, very glad of the timing of their vacation. He never wanted them to know.  
"Thanks, Benny." The arms released him, a pleased smile on Benny's face.  
"I'm going to call the station. Let them know that you're going to be fine." Did they all know? Fraser must have seen his reaction as he touched him again in reassurance.  
"Only the captain knows everything. The rest only know you were attacked." Thank god for small favours, Ray thought. Fraser got up, patting his arm affectionately.  
"Get some rest, Ray. The doctor will be in soon."   
Once Fraser left, Ray sighed and tried to get comfortable. Despite Benny's attempts, he felt no better now that he was alone. Images flickered through his mind, himself on his knees, Zuko pounding into him, making him helpless. Nauseous, he turned over. He'd heard the rape counselling schtick many times. It didn't help. He still felt like a piece of garbage. And right now, nothing could change that.   
"You were right, dad. All along, you were right."

**********

Two days later, Fraser brought Ray home. He watched carefully as Ray walked through the house, finally settling in the living room. He'd been withdrawn all day, unwilling to talk about anything. Physically, he was much better but the doctors, and Fraser, were worried about the rest of him.   
"You don't have to stay, you know." Ray's voice was quiet. Fraser turned toward where he sat on the couch.  
"I want to." Short and simple, it was how he felt. He reached out a hand but Ray flinched. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's my fault, Benny." The words rushed out from Ray and one hand closed briefly around Fraser's wrist. There was a panicked look to his eyes that made Fraser ache inside. It hurt so much to watch Ray suffering. "I...I'm going to take a shower."  
"Bath, Ray. Remember what the doctor said." Ray nodded and gave him a brief smile before rising stiffly and heading upstairs.  
Fraser got up too and began to walk around the house. He had been here many times but never without constant company. It was a beautiful home, attractive and comfortable, a home not just a house. Hearing the water start, he headed upstairs. The door to Ray's bedroom was open and he stood in the doorway a moment before entering.   
The old four-poster bed dominated the room, matched by a big chest of drawers. There were no childhood mementoes except a few pictures and a basketball in the corner. He could smell Ray's cologne. He felt a twitch of arousal and ruthlessly suppressed it. This was not the time. There might never be a time. Damn his father for making him admit to himself how he felt. The picture in Ray's wallet proved his affection, nothing more. He was here for Ray, not for himself.   
He leaned back on the bed and sighed. His one and only chance to sleep in Ray's bed. His mind wandered and he started to doze.

**********

Ray shut off the water taps and tested the water with his fingers, good and hot. He quickly slipped out of track pants, sweatshirt and socks, trying to avoid looking into the mirror. Easing into the water, he sighed, overly tense muscles relaxing slightly.  
His reactions to Fraser were starting to scare him. When Benny touched him, or stared at him, he could feel himself stirring, the ache in his groin matching the one in his chest. Even now, his cock was half-hard.  
Reaching for the soap, he began to wash, rubbing his chest, his arms. He was careful not to disturb the binding around his ribs. Another few days and he should be able to remove it.   
Picking up his washcloth, he washed his legs, hesitating at his groin and ass. Touching himself brought back so many unwanted memories. Zuko's hands on him, probing, using him. He felt tears of frustration gathering. No good for himself, no good for Benny.  
"No good for anything, you never were." Ray dropped his cloth.  
"Dad?" He knew his voice shook and hated it. "Go away."  
"How could you, a son of mine, be so stupid, so weak that you let this happen to you?" Ray felt too exposed, too vulnerable for this now. He had never dealt very well with his father.   
"You never cared when you were alive, why are you doing this?"   
"I'm your father. You should have listened to me. This wouldn't have happened. You wouldn't have shamed your family." Ray gritted his teeth, eyes wide with pain, and snarled at his father.

"If I had listened to you, I would've turned out like Zuko. That what you wanted?"  
"Maybe. He did for you, didn't he?"  
Ray jumped up, splashing water everywhere, stumbling from the tub. He began scrubbing himself viciously. It was his fault. He'd been stupid to think he could teach Zuko a lesson, stupid to meet Bruno without back-up, weak enough to let Zuko take him. Even if Fraser liked him, he'd never want him. Did he even want Benny to?  
He stared into the slightly fogged mirror. He saw a receding hairline, too big nose, dark circles under his eyes, hairy chest, stitches on his cheek. Hardly appealing to one as attractive as Benny. How was he going to handle this?  
Pulling on pyjama bottoms, he brushed his teeth and cautiously opened the door. Soft snoring came from his bed. Fraser was stretched out on one side. He was fully dressed and had obviously lain down and fallen asleep. Ray sighed softly and climbed onto the other side. He was so tired, he just didn't care. Where else was he going to sleep? But he didn't turn away. He lay facing Benny, struck by how attractive he looked asleep, so innocent. Yawning, he snuggled down, drifting into a troubled sleep.

**********

Fraser woke with a start. Turning over, he saw Ray asleep beside him. Asleep but not at rest. He was twisting, tears leaking from beneath clenched lids, a whimper escaping his lips.  
"Oh, Ray." Fraser couldn't sit back, he reached over, pulling Ray into his arms. "You're safe. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. Wake up, Ray." He kept talking, one hand rubbing soothingly at smooth, damp skin. Gradually, the trembling ceased.  
"Benny?"  
"Yes, Ray. It's over. You had a nightmare." Ray's eyes were wide, pupils dilated so that only a tiny ring of colour remained. Fraser ached with tenderness, to take away the pain, but part of him was also beginning to stir in arousal and he didn't want Ray to know.  
"Want to talk about it?"  
"No!" Fraser almost recoiled at the anger in Ray's voice.  
"Why? I know what happened." Ray's eyes were glittering, so many emotions swirling in their depths, it was impossible to pick out any particular one. "Ray?" The eyes closed and a hand closed round Fraser's wrist.  
"I dreamt it was you." Ice drenched Fraser, as if he'd been plunged into Hudson's Bay.  
"You...think I could hurt you like that?" How could Ray trust him and yet believe that of him? Ray's eyes were focused on his face but when he returned their gaze, they dropped.  
"I wished it had been you." Said very softly, Fraser was still shocked. Ray wanted that? Or was it simply that Fraser wouldn't have hurt him?

"Why, Ray?" The hand on his wrist withdrew. "I care about you, love you. I could never hurt you. Is that why?" He placed a hand on the warm skin of Ray's chest, feeling his heart pound. "Or is it because you feel that way about me?"  
"You can't love me." Ray blurted out, turning away. Fraser wrapped both arms around him from behind.  
"Why not? I do." He felt the breath catch in Ray's chest, his struggle for control. "What Zuko did doesn't change my feelings for you, Ray. It made me look hard at them, recognize them for what they are. I couldn't stand to lose you and I thought I might." Fraser laid his head against his friend's back, brushing the nape of his neck. "I need you."  
"Benny, you don't know how much I want to believe that."  
"Then believe it. You'll have to chase me away."   
Turning Ray in his arms, he pressed a kiss to the smooth forehead, another brushed over the stitches in his cheek, another softly caressed his lips. Ray responded by bringing his own arms up, one round Fraser's shoulders, the other stroking his hair. Pulling back, Fraser whispered.  
"Believe me now?" The smile that brightened Ray's face was tentative but sweet. One of his hands stroked Fraser's cheek.  
"I guess so."  
"You guess so?" There was a glimmer in Ray's eyes and Fraser clasped him tight, rolling onto his back with Ray on top. Their lips brushed again and Fraser licked and nipped, teasing Ray until he opened to him, their tongues entwining, thrusting. When they broke apart to breath, both men were panting.  
"Are you sure?" Fraser touched Ray's lips with his fingers. "I want you to be sure."  
"I need you." Ray replied helplessly. "That's all I know right now." Fraser smiled and began to undress. Off came shirt and pants, socks and underwear. He knelt on the bed and held out his hand. A little nervously, Ray slipped out of his pyjamas, and took his hand. Fraser brought it up to his lips, licking, then sucking Ray's fingers into his mouth. Ray's other hand rested against his cheek while his head bent down, kissing the soft skin between Fraser's neck and shoulder. Placing Ray's damp fingers against his chest, Fraser took his lips in a passionate kiss.  
"You have me." Fraser let his hands rove over his lover's chest, brushing the silky hair, circling the nipples. This was Ray in his arms, aroused and wanting him. Ray mirrored his touches, going further, licking at a nipple, sucking it. Fraser moaned, revelling in the sensations before pulling back. Ray was panting had but there was no fear in his eyes. They were hazy with desire. Sweat beaded his skin and Fraser leaned in to lick it away.  
"There you go again, tasting everything." In contrast to his words, Ray licked at Benny's lips, tasting his own salty sweat on his lover's lips.  
"You're beautiful, Ray." And he meant it. Despite his current injuries, Ray's body was long and lean, beautiful eyes, full lips. Long legs topped a small, tight ass. Ray's hand touched his cock and Fraser moaned at the exquisite sensation.  
"I've done this to you." There was a sense of awe in Ray's voice and Benny smiled, his own hand joining Ray's.

"There's something else I want you to do for me." Fraser squirmed. Ray's fingers were busy, thumb collecting the moisture leaking from the tip of his cock, spreading it. "Please, Ray." He reached down, stilling his lover's hand. "You're too good at that."  
"What do you want me to do, Benny?"  
"I want you inside me." Ray's flushed face paled.  
"No."  
"I want it. I want you."  
"No! I won't hurt you like that." Ray started to pull away but Fraser grabbed him back, holding him tightly.  
"You won't. It doesn't have to hurt, Ray. We'd be together, part of each other." Ray's anguished expression tore at him. "If it hurts me, we'll stop and never try it again. Zuko wanted to hurt you and he did. You don't want to hurt me so you won't." Fraser looked down at Ray's groin and saw that he had softened. Cupping him gently, he pushed Ray back until he was laying flat. Ray went willingly enough so lowering his head, he licked at Ray's cock.  
"Benny!" The immediate response was both vocal and physical, cock pulsing, stiffening under Benny's tongue. Hands stroked at his hair, his shoulders, everywhere they could reach while his tongue explored Ray. He opened his lips and sucked lightly at the tip. Gasps came from Ray's whose legs were starting to quiver. No more, Fraser released him and lay down, blanketing himself over his companion, rubbing his throbbing cock against Ray's thigh. Keeping his eyes on Ray's, he reached for the bedside table, depositing a small tube on Ray's chest. Passion-clouded eyes cleared slightly in shock.  
"You really want this?" His voice was rough, husky and it sent a chill down Fraser's spine.  
"Yes, Ray. I really want you." Slowly, Ray's attention focused on the tube. He took off the cap and squeezed a generous amount onto his fingers. Lifting his head, he kissed Benny as his fingers slipped into the crease of his ass, searching, circling. Fraser moaned into his chest, resting his cheek against a hard nipple. So intent on Ray, he hadn't really considered what the would be like. He squirmed and pressed back as one finger slid in.  
"Okay?" Ray sounded nervous as all get out.  
"Mmm." It felt surprisingly good, better as Ray started to twist it around. Fraser felt more pressure and a second finger joined the first. He pressed back until Ray's palm was flush against his ass. The fingers wriggled and he gasped.  
"I'm hurting you." The fingers stilled and Ray shifted.  
"No!" Fraser gasped out. "Feels good."  
"This?" And Ray's fingers twisted again.  
"Yes." Fraser squirmed and reached for the tube. The delicious fingers withdrew and he turned over, a handful of gel in his palm, and closed his fist round Ray's cock. Carefully coating him, he kissed swollen lips before rolling back to his stomach.

"Ah, Benny." Kisses covered his neck and shoulders. Fraser spread his legs and felt Ray's furry ones between them. Hands stroked over his thighs and then moved up, spreading him wide. There was building pressure and a flash of pain that made his eyes water and Ray was in. Fraser panted. He felt stuffed full, achingly full. He could hear Ray's harsh breathing.  
"Okay?" For an answer, Fraser pressed back, taking another inch. Ray gasped and thrust and pain passed into pleasure as his cock rubbed deep inside, sending sparks along Fraser's nerves. He writhed, wanting more and more of the friction, the possession. Supporting himself with one hand, the other reached back to hold Ray's thigh, to bring him as close as possible.   
Lips caressed his neck and then Ray latched on to the lobe of one ear, biting then sucking, pulling at it. Benny whimpered, arching up. One of Ray's hands clasped round his chest, pulling him back, the other hand fondling his chest, rubbing a nipple, pinching it. It was too much. There, he was there, teetering at the edge until Ray's hands came down, stroking him, squeezing his balls and he tipped over the edge into orgasm, his cock jerking in his lover's firm hold. Faintly, he heard Ray's moans, the hot spasming inside him. Ray's weight collapsing against him. When Ray finally pulled out, they slipped into each other's arms.   
"I love you." Ray whispered, pulling Fraser's head against his shoulder.  
"I love you too, Ray." Joy blossomed brightly in Ray's eyes but soon Fraser noticed the pensive look creeping into his lover's face. "What is it?"  
"It's nothing, Benny. Let's get some sleep." Ray held him tightly, too tightly, especially in the aftermath of the loving they'd shared.   
"It's not "nothing". It's bothering you. Tell me." Ray pulled away and Fraser let him go, not missing the wince of pain as Ray's ribs twisted when he turned.  
"Do you need your pills?" His voice was toneless and he saw Ray register that fact.  
"I'm sorry." He was getting a little tired of Ray's guilt.  
"Don't apologize, just tell me."  
"I'm not worth it." Ray's hands ran through his hair before he wrapped them around his ribs.  
"Excuse me?" What was he on about?  
"I love you but it won't be enough. I'm not enough. Never have been." His voice trailed off as he turned away but not before Benny saw the desolation in his eyes.  
"Listen to me. I love you. You, with your faults and your good points. You're the one I want to be with." Was it your Dad, Ray? You weren't the son he wanted you to be? It wasn't your fault. He reached out, tracing his fingers over Ray's stitched cheek. "Battered and all." A faint smile lifted the corner of Ray's mouth and Fraser leaned over to kiss it. They shared a gentle kiss, tender now that passion was spent.   
"Stay with me, Benny?"   
"I'll never let you go." Fraser wrapped him in his arms, making a promise to himself that he intended to keep. "Never."


End file.
